


Mission

by pyromanicofthesea



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, Post-Black Panther (2018), Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, fluffy all things considered
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 14:30:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18500917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyromanicofthesea/pseuds/pyromanicofthesea
Summary: Some days Bucky is Bucky. Other days, Bucky is the Winter Soldier, just minus the Mindless Russian Drone Assassin part. Bucky usually comes back down after a while. Usually. Usually...





	Mission

Somedays Bucky would slip so far back into Winter Soldier mode that he lost not just the memories of before, but the memories of after he re-met Steve. If Steve was being honest with himself, it reminded him of whenever he visited Peggy, when she would relive the joy, astonishment, guilt, and almost overwhelming relief of seeing Steve alive for the first time in seventy years.  
They often had the same conversations over and over whenever Peggy forgot the moments that had just happened. Though, never once were any of those conversations apologies for moving on, and Steve never expected any of them to be. Peggy wasn’t a dame who would sit and wait for someone to come around and sweep her off her feet. She swept herself off her own feet, and she chose her own partner. She chose them, not the other way around, and Steve never dishonoured her with the expectation that she would sit and wait for him like many other soldiers expected their partners to do. Peggy Carter lived her life her way, and that was the only way Steve would ever wish for her to live.  
Though Bucky’s mind would fail, they both knew it wasn’t for the same reason as Peggy’s. Therapy could only do so much when your brain was that toasted. There were journals Bucky kept, writing to himself and addressed to the Soldier, talking about events in his life and how days went, just so that there was something that could potentially jar his memory enough to at least cause the Winter Soldier to question his unwavering obedience to the keywords speaker. It wasn’t much, but it was something, and something was better than nothing.  
That’s where Bucky - or, well, more accurately, the Soldier - was at now. He read the journal entries like he was reading a mission briefing, stiff and ridged and uninterested. It was just another task to him, seeing as he had no recollection of most of the events in the entries. The missions, yes, the deaths, yes, but the everyday, borderline domestic, stuff? Not even a hinting feeling at potential familiarity.  
“Anything?” Steve asked after Bucky - the Soldier - reached for Journal number four. The Winter Soldier just shook his head.  
“What is the point of this?”  
“To remind you of who you are.” The Soldier frowned at that. He already knew who he was, and he was not the man in those journals. He knew Steve, somehow, yes. He assassinated hundreds of people over the course of seventy years, yes. But he was not Bucky Barnes.  
“I am the Winter Soldier.”  
“You’re my best friend, Buck.”  
“No, you are my mission. I was supposed to kill you, but instead we’re sleeping together and you allow me to cut your hair often despite the nature of my mission objective.” The Soldier held up journal number four. “I am not the man in these entries. I have only done a small handful of those things spoken of in these.” The Soldier frowned and dropped the journal onto the table. It was already more than Bucky usually said while he was in Winter Soldier mode, so Steve was already listening with careful, deep attention. The drop of the journal startled the man, and the Soldier leaned close to Steve’s face. “You loved this Bucky man, but he had died long ago. You have me, and you can either take me as I am or you can leave. But I am not Bucky Barnes, and I never will be, and I most definitely won’t pretend to be him just so you can act like you have your old friend back. I am the Winter Soldier.” He leaned back in his chair, and Steve looked at him in shock. He hadn’t expected that as something Bucky would ever say in Winter Soldier mode. He had to admit, the Soldier made a fair point. If Bucky was to never exit Winter Soldier mode - a concern that the Wakandan psychiatric specialists had pointed out from the very beginning - and he wasn’t hurting anyone anymore, it would be wrong of Steve to try and manipulate the Soldier into changing who he was.  
“Alright. Alright, Soldier. Is there another name you’d like to go by?”  
“The Winter Soldier is my name.”  
“It’s your operative name, but you can have a civilian name as well.”  
“No.”  
“The Winter Soldier it is.” Bucky - the Winter Soldier - nodded, and Steve couldn’t help the feeling of his heart sinking. He loved Bucky as Bucky and, despite what the Soldier had done, he loved him as the Winter Soldier as well. He just couldn’t bear losing his best friend a second time. The Soldier knew that, and he did his best to comfort Steve despite having zero experience in that department. He kissed the man’s forehead, not knowing what to say. He liked actions better anyways. The Soldier never was a man of many words, or words at all most of the time.  
Steve smiled a little at the chaste press of lips to his skin, knowing that the Soldier was trying at least. Some part of Steve hoped that Bucky would exit Winter Soldier mode soon, but Steve still enjoyed the company of the Soldier, especially now that he wouldn’t hold a gun to Steve’s head anymore.  
“Let’s just forget the journals. Would you like to go out for dinner?” Steve almost sounded down. He felt as if he was almost giving up on his best friend by acknowledging the Soldier as the Soldier and not as Bucky.  
“I would prefer to eat in,” the Soldier replied honestly, still uncomfortable in crowded, public settings. Steve couldn’t help but notice the small, minute differences between the Soldier and Bucky. Bucky loved eating out, loved the city and all of its bustling crowds on the streets and in the shops. The Winter Soldier hated it, though if that was a personal preference or because of his training as a stealth assassin, Steve wasn’t quite sure.  
The two men looked at each other, both mulling over the possible options for delivery food. After a moment, they both spoke at the same time.  
“Pizza?”  
Steve could feel his cheeks grow pink, and couldn’t help but remember how he and Bucky would do the same thing. The same default take-out order, the same first choice. For a moment, the Winter Soldier wasn’t the Winter Soldier giving Steve a small smile at their unison suggestion. For a moment, at least in Steve’s eyes, he was Bucky, smug as ever knowing that he still could read his best friend like an open novel.  
The Winter Soldier was the Winter Soldier again when he nodded confirmation instead of vocalizing it with a Bucky-esque quip as accompaniment. Steve smiled still, smiled because maybe this wouldn’t be so difficult. Maybe only getting to spend time with the Winter Soldier wouldn’t be so difficult. Maybe letting Bucky go wouldn’t be so difficult.  
Steve Rogers was lying to himself, and it didn’t matter if he was with Bucky or the Soldier. The Soldier could read the man’s inner turmoil on his body language. He knew Steve was fighting himself because of him, but he also knew that he could not put up with Steve trying to pretend that he was Bucky any longer. He simply wasn’t, at least, he wasn’t the Bucky Steve knew. He wasn’t the Bucky Steve wanted him to be. As far as he was concerned, Winter Soldier was the only name that he had. It was the only name that applied to him. Bucky was someone else, from another time. Bucky was not the Winter Soldier. At least, that’s how the Soldier saw it.  
Steve got up to order delivery pizza, pausing only for a moment to ask the Soldier if he wanted bell peppers on it. He knew the answer, at least, he thought he did. But, he asked anyways just in case. And, after all, the Soldier said he wasn’t going to ‘be Bucky’, which meant it was as if he was a different person. Steve couldn’t assume that the Winter Soldier would have the same preferences as Bucky, even if for a pizza topping he had been right.

After pizza was delivered, Bucky, or, well, the Soldier, essentially took over the entire couch of the living room of the apartment. He sat in the middle of a couch barely meant for two, knowing full well that Super Soldier Steve Rogers would not comfortably sit on that couch unless the Soldier moved. So, Steve sat on the floor and held the pizza box, choosing easy access to dinner over a fight over the couch and a potential soft cushion under his ass.  
Sitting on the floor wasn’t all bad though. The Soldier would often linger with his chin resting on Steve’s shoulder when he would grab for another slice. It was the closest thing to cuddling affection that Steve had seen from the Soldier in quite some time. There were pecked kisses to Steve’s cheek as he walked past, or a hand on his arm during the night, but never anything as vulnerable as cuddly, affectionate affection. One more thing reminding Steve that this was the Winter Soldier and not Bucky Barnes. In a way, though, it made every show of affection that much more special when it came from Bucky in Winter So- when it came from the Winter Soldier.  
Eventually, the Soldier leaned forward but didn’t grab for another piece of pizza. He kissed Steve’s neck, having noticed how the man had been quite and tense while they ate.  
“You’re thinking of him.” It wasn’t a question. It never was. The Soldier knew Steve well enough, or Steve was just that easy to read. It was most likely both.  
“It’s hard not to when he’s right behi- when you look so much like him.” Steve hadn’t caught himself in time, but he had caught himself nonetheless, and the Soldier appreciated Steve’s attempt to stop equating him to his dead friend. He wasn’t Bucky Barnes. He was the Winter Soldier.  
“Let’s go to bed.” Just as Steve was about to reply, the Soldier purred something close to Steve’s ear. “We can keep the lights off if you’d like. You can pretend I’m whoever you’d like me to be.” It wasn’t a test, it was a genuine offer. He knew this would be difficult for Steve - he was firm and demanding, but wasn’t about to become unreasonable - and he wanted to help the man adjust. He did, after all, feel something for the man.  
“Are you just wanting me in bed to try and cheer me up?” He looked up at the Soldier, truly not knowing if the man cared about him like Bucky did or if he was only doing this for Steve’s benefit. Which, was unlikely considering the Soldier rarely did things that weren’t mainly for his benefit - or a command, but he’s been getting better at fighting commands lately - but Steve could never be too careful. The last thing he wanted to do was use the Soldier for his own desires.  
“No, doll, I want you in bed so I can fuck you into the mattress, and then sleep.” Steve could feel the Soldier smirk against his skin. A moment when he mirrored Bucky. Steve hated that the Soldier knew he liked the petnames, hated more that hearing the names reminded him not just of Bucky, but of home as well. “Not feeling up to it tonight, dot?” Steve couldn’t help but shake his head. If he didn’t know better, he would’ve thought the pout in the Soldier’s voice was visible on his face. But, he knew that wasn’t the case, and knew the Soldier wasn’t actually pouting, not even a fake pout. He still liked it though, still liked the expression of words spoken in a bit less of a gravel voice. Words that were entirely spoken, not just a few words for an answer and then silence.  
“It’s not what I need tonight.” The Soldier couldn’t understand that, not exactly, but he did his best. He gave Steve a kiss to his cheek and grabbed another slice of pizza. “I want you, as you are, not as you think Bucky is like.” The Soldier was taken back. They had fought over this for months, over him being or not being also Bucky Barnes. Now Steve was accepting that he is the Winter Soldier. He was being given full freedom to be the Winter Soldier in and out of a wartime. The Soldier spoke with a bit of humour in his voice, though the jest itself was more on the dark side, all things considered.  
“I’ll consider it my mission.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey thanks for reading!  
> I honestly love reading recovering!Winter Soldier/Bucky Isn't Totally Bucky Anymore/Bucky and Soldier Coexisting stuff, and I've run out of things to read due to a relative lack of fics inside the vast pool of Stucky fics. So I took it upon myself to add to the pile. I already have another Winter Soldier!Bucky Post-Black Panther Coexist-esque story in the works (alongside the IW/Endgame revamp) that I'm hopiiiing to be longer than this (with smut? Maybe? Thoughts?), so stay tuned!
> 
> Have questions? Thoughts? Just want to talk to the author? I'm [smokedoutcoldstar](https://smokedoutcoldstar.tumblr.com) on Tumblr.  
> Enjoyed the story? Please consider [buying me a coffee?](https://ko-fi.com/pyromanic)


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